You’re breaking from the mental load. It feels like you’re losing thoughts, plans, and intentions left and right, as they spill out of your head like a bowl unsuccessfully trying to hold a few too many precious glass marbles beyond capacity. You’re watching them roll around the floor, wondering how you’ll find the energy to chase them all down and apologetically attempt to place them back in the bowl – all the while hoping you didn’t miss too much. You’re embarrassed. You’re anxious. You wonder if anyone will notice how thin the threads are that are barely keeping you together.
I see you
I see you, the stay at home mom who had counted on having a reprieve to sanity once kids could return to school again. I see you wondering how you can take another day of being the 24 hour mom, teacher, entertainer, chef, and maid. I see those of you who silently question to yourself, how much longer can I hang on like this? You’re itching to feel like a regular adult again.
I see you, the working mom who had counted on having a safe place to send your children, while you put in hours and mental energy into your work. I see those of you who had to make tough choices, often uncomfortable choices, about sending your children into childcare or not. Some of you are working from home with your kids. You’re getting up before dawn to work in the quiet. You’re staying up past midnight, to get your hours in. Your home feels like it’s falling to pieces. You’re trying to function at your pre-pandemic level, while the infrastructure of your life has fallen apart.
I see you, the part time working mom. The one everyone says so easily, has the best of both worlds. I see everyone expecting you to be available in full capacity – as an employee, and as a mother. I see you trying to juggle both worlds, wishing you had a break. The systems you had in place before, are nowhere in sight. You feel stretched thin in both directions.
I see you, mothers. Some of you have lost your jobs. Some of you have left your jobs. Some of you are worried about your jobs. Some of you now have to find a job. You’re struggling. You’re exhausted. You often think you’re the only one who just can’t get it together.
You carry the mental load
What many of you carry with you, is the weight of the mental load. It’s invisible. You make it look effortless. You know when it’s time to buy bigger shoes, diapers, and clothes. You find the right lotion for your child’s eczema. You know when the dishwasher is full, and what laundry basket has the clean clothes. You’ve thought about how to schedule, reschedule, or navigate your children’s’ doctors appointments during a pandemic. You’re coordinating school schedules, scrambling to find childcare, and navigating your way through this social distanced world. You’re on edge. You’re raw.
You’re worried everyone is going to judge you, for every decision you make. Are you being too cautious? Are you not cautious enough? You sometimes feel paralyzed in indecision and shame.
You’ve lost the activities that kept you afloat
You’ve lost your group exercise and yoga classes, the places you escaped to feel like yourself again. You’ve lost the comfort of play-dates, pools, sports groups, and birthday parties. You’re not getting together as much with your friends. You’re struggling to get date nights and time away with your partner.
It’s not your fault
I want you to know that you’re not alone. That you’re not the only one walking around feeling like your head might explode. It’s not that you’re doing something wrong, or that you haven’t figured it all out. It’s unfortunately way more complicated than that, momma- which is why it feels like you’ve failed, but you haven’t. This is a societal problem that has existed long before you became a mother. And this pandemic, has added 1,000 more pounds.
This, is mental load. It’s a term that’s being used more widely now. A construct to describe the mental energy, planning, and managing around parenting. For example, although your partner may empty the dishwasher, did you have to prompt him/her to do it? Did your partner take the kids to their doctors appointment? Who scheduled it? Who reminded them of the appointment? Did you provide instructions, details, and questions to ask?
Mothers are feeling more overwhelmed than ever now. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for redistributing the load. It’s complicated. So complicated that I’m dedicating an entirely different post for strategies for addressing a problem that may be cemented in to your relationship.
However, there are a few things you can start to do this week to help but not completely relieve this burden. There are no quick fixes. This is not a “5 things to do this week to make your life magical” – because that’s not the way it works. Life is hard, it’s messy, and we struggle.
You’re doing your best
Remind yourself that you’re doing your best, in a system that has been set up to put this weight on you. Your critical voice will of course chime in “but I’m not doing my best!” Thank that voice for its useless opinion and then remind yourself again, you’re doing the best with what you have in this moment. This is hard. Repeat the phrase: Good is good enough.
Work smarter, not harder
Use technology to bear the weight. You don’t have to go overboard and stress yourself out by downloading every app promising to get your life streamlined and organized. It can start as simple as saying “Siri, remind me at 3pm to call the doctor” or “Hey Alexa, remind me tomorrow at 1pm to order the groceries.” You can add it to your calendar in 4 months to make that dentist appointment.
Alone time for planning
Request time alone for planning. This time alone is different than self-care time alone. This is “working” time. Time to add these reminders to your calendar. Time to plan, prepare, and put a few marbles back. If you can get 30 minutes of uninterrupted time, you can have the physical and mental space to plan and prepare.
Alone time for self-care
Request self-care alone time. I know, I know, mothers are notoriously crappy at demanding time to recharge. But if you have nothing in your battery, it’s going to be much more difficult to recharge everyone else around you. This can be a 15 minute walk in the evening before returning to bedtime routine with the kids. This can be 10 minutes to sit outside while you drink your cup of coffee while your partner feeds the kids breakfast. You have to request that you get away, if you have the kind of partner who won’t instinctively offer it to you. For some of you, this will inevitably come with guilt on your part, but remind yourself that a better you makes for a better relationship with both your partner and your kids.
You’re not the only one
In conclusion, continually remind yourself that many people are feeling stretched thin right now now. These are unprecedented times. So many people feel similar to you at this moment and if there were an easy way to get out of it, all of us would have done so by now. It’s not that misery loves company, it’s that realizing your struggles connect you, rather than isolate you from others, can help you feel more hopeful and less isolated. The entire reason I’m writing this blog post right now to you, is so that you know this. Because I know there are so many women stuck in their heads feeling guilty, overwhelmed, and wondering what’s wrong with them. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Kathryn Tipton has passion for helping new and experienced moms break free from guilt, shame, and inner criticism. She fosters growth of self-love and compassion so that individuals can find greater joy and fulfillment in their every day lives. She utilizes Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Self-Compassion practices in her sessions. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. Her private practice is located in central Houston, in the Montrose district.
Distance is no barrier! Kathryn conducts telehealth (online/web video) sessions. Contact her today kathryn@hcfvl.com or by phone 713-331-5538.
As a Houston based counseling clinic, our caring therapists also offer therapy for
- anxiety disorders and anxiety treatment
- depression treatment
- obsessive compulsive disorder
- maternal mental health
- counseling for children
- therapy for teens
- insomnia
We also offer tips for improving your overall mental health on our blog.
Send an email to: info@hcfvl.com to learn more about how Houston Center for Valued Living can help you take the next step toward creating your best life.
If you’re ready to get started today, choose one of our awesome therapists and schedule your appointment now by phone, e-mail, or our online scheduling system.