The month of February, for high schoolers, is all about love. I remember being in high school and eagerly awaiting Valentine’s day, hopeful that a secret admirer would miraculously come forward and profess their love. In all seriousness, between increased hormones, pressure from friends, and social media, teens can become hyper-focused and enamored with the idea of a romantic relationship. As a parent, it can be so hard to know what to say, when to say it, and how to communicate with your teen. It’s difficult to know how much freedom to let your teen have, when to say “no,” and when to intervene in their life, especially when it comes to dating. However, talking to your teen about what a healthy relationship should look and feel like can greatly help them navigate the dating world and know when to avoid potentially dangerous romances. Here are some ways to get a conversation about relationships started with your teen:
Create a Judgment-Free Environment
When it comes to talking to their parents about dating, your teen probably feels just as scared and uncomfortable as you do. It’s important that your teen knows their individuality, beliefs, and opinions are valued and respected. Face-to-face conversations can be especially intimidating for teens, so it’s often beneficial to have conversations about relationships while doing another activity, like going for a walk, cleaning, or playing a lighthearted game. Make sure you are actively listening to what your teen has to say and acknowledging their statements. Using inclusive, gender-neutral language may also help your teen feel more comfortable. You can even acknowledge that yes, this conversation will be cringey, but it can also be very helpful.
Ask your Teen about their Relationship Knowledge
Asking your teen some questions about their views on relationships can be a great conversation starting point. Here are a few questions you can lead with:
When do you know you’re ready to start dating?
What do you think a healthy relationship looks and feels like?
Are there differences between what boys and girls want in relationships?
Why do you think people stay in unhealthy relationships?
What would you do if you found out a friend was in an unhealthy relationship?
Describe what a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
With so much media circulating on TV and social media, your teen may have a skewed perception of what constitutes a healthy relationship. Explaining the things that a good partner does can create a clearer picture – talk to your teen about healthy boundaries, trust, support, honesty, and communication. Make sure to point out that a relationship on TV, Instagram, or Tik Tok often does not tell the whole story. A healthy relationship should enhance your teen’s life, not control it. Emphasize the importance of your teen maintaining outside interests and friendships while being in a relationship. It may be helpful to share your personal values and model what you would like to see in their relationships.
Help your Teen Set Collaborative Boundaries and Expectations
As a parent, it may be your first instinct to want to discuss your own boundaries and rules upfront with your teen. While these are important to discuss, helping your teen set their own dating boundaries can empower them in their relationships and may alleviate some of your uncertainties. Boundaries can be divided into the following categories:
Physical Boundaries:
As awkward as it may be, yes, you should be discussing sex with your teen. Physical boundaries can include everything from holding hands to intercourse. Let your teen know that they are in control of their own body and that being in a relationship does not change that. Point out that pressuring someone to engage in a physical or sexual act does not fit the description of a healthy relationship.
Emotional Boundaries:
It is incredibly important to discuss what verbal and emotional abuse looks like. Talk to your teen about warning signs of abuse, and let them know that they can always talk to you if they are confused or worried about potential abuse. You and your teen may also discuss when, how, and why to share personal information when beginning a relationship.
Digital Boundaries:
It’s 2022, and the digital component of relationships is stronger than ever. Discuss the potential dangers of sending illicit pictures and videos. Explain that in a healthy relationship, a partner should not be looking through your phone or expecting you to immediately respond to every text.
Know when to ask for outside help
Talking to your teen about dating, relationships, and sexuality can be extremely difficult. A therapist can help your teen navigate relationship concerns and tackle tough topics. Teaching your teen what a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship feels like is too important of a message to leave to chance. If you’re looking for a place to start, contact Houston Center for Valued Living at 713-331-5538.
Lisa Forger, LPC-Associate (under the supervision of Christen Sistrunk, MA LPC-S) works with children, adolescents, and adults who seek to elevate their lives and reach their highest potential. She utilizes behavioral parent training and cognitive behavioral therapy to address a variety of psychosocial concerns. To contact Lisa, e-mail: lisa@hcfvl.com or call 713-331-5538.