October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a day to honor and remember the babies who were lost too soon. For many families, this day brings up waves of emotion—grief, longing, and a sense of what could have been. If you’re a friend, family member, or loved one of someone who has gone through pregnancy or infant loss, you may have offered support in the immediate aftermath. You might have sent flowers, cooked meals, or checked in regularly. But what happens after the initial rush of support dies down? How can you continue to show up for someone in the long term?
Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. Pregnancy and infant loss can be devastating, and while the initial support is crucial, it’s often the months and even years that follow where ongoing support can make the most difference. Here’s how you can be there for someone who has experienced this kind of loss, long after the sympathy cards have stopped arriving.
1. Acknowledge Their Loss—Even Months or Years Later
It can feel awkward to bring up a loss, especially if some time has passed. You might worry that you’ll remind them of their grief, but trust me, they haven’t forgotten. Whether it’s the anniversary of the loss, a due date that’s passed, or just a random day when they seem quiet, acknowledging that their grief may still be present is incredibly supportive. You could say something like, “I know you may still be missing your baby, and I’m here for you.”
2. Keep Checking In (Even When You Think It’s Been “Too Long”)
Sometimes we assume that people want to move on from their grief, but in reality, grief can ebb and flow for years. A simple text asking, “How are you doing with everything lately?” or “I’m thinking of you” shows that you remember and care about their ongoing emotional journey. Even if they don’t feel like talking in the moment, they’ll appreciate knowing you’re there.
3. Understand That Grief Changes Over Time
The intensity of grief may fade, but it never fully disappears. Don’t be surprised if a friend who seemed “fine” for months suddenly has a hard time. Grief can resurface during holidays, anniversaries, or milestones, and sometimes even for no clear reason. Offer empathy without judgment or trying to “fix” their feelings. Just being present—both physically and emotionally—can be more comforting than trying to make their pain go away.
4. Offer Practical Help—Without Waiting to Be Asked
In the long term, people might stop offering help, assuming the person is “better now.” But those who’ve experienced pregnancy or infant loss might still need practical support, whether it’s offering to watch their other children, running an errand, or simply being around for company. Loss can be isolating, so offering your time and assistance, without waiting for them to ask, can be incredibly supportive.
5. Remember Special Dates and Acknowledge Them
Remembering the baby’s due date, the anniversary of the loss, or Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day can be very meaningful to someone grieving. A text or card on these days shows that their loss hasn’t been forgotten. These dates are often significant, and your acknowledgment can help them feel seen and supported.
6. Be Willing to Listen to Their Story (Again and Again)
Grief often involves retelling the story of the loss. Your loved one may need to talk about their baby and their experience multiple times. This can feel repetitive, but it’s important for their healing. Be patient, and listen as many times as they need to share. If you’re unsure what to say, simple statements like, “I’m here,” or “That sounds so hard,” can go a long way.
7. Support Their Healing in Their Own Way
Grief is unique to each individual. Some may want to engage in remembrance activities, like lighting a candle on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day or participating in walks or memorial events. Others may prefer private reflection. Respect how they choose to honor their loss, and offer support that aligns with their needs and preferences.
8. Educate Yourself About Pregnancy and Infant Loss
If you haven’t experienced this type of loss personally, it can help to learn more about what your loved one might be going through. By educating yourself, you can better understand their grief and avoid unintentionally hurtful comments or assumptions. Below are some helpful resources to guide you:
- Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support: A national organization providing grief support for families who’ve experienced the death of a baby through pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life.
- The Compassionate Friends: A support group offering comfort, hope, and understanding to families after the death of a child, at any age or stage.
- March of Dimes: Coping with Loss: A resource offering information and support for families grieving the loss of a baby.
- Return to Zero: HOPE: A community dedicated to supporting families who’ve experienced pregnancy or infant loss through education, advocacy, and connection.
- Miscarriage Hurts: An online platform offering support and resources for families affected by miscarriage.
Conclusion: Grief Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date
The pain of pregnancy and infant loss doesn’t vanish once the initial weeks of support have passed. Being there for the long haul, acknowledging the ongoing grief, and offering both emotional and practical support can help your loved one feel less alone. On this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, let’s commit to showing up not just in the immediate aftermath, but in the months and years that follow.