Ever had one of those nights where you’re this close to smothering your partner with a pillow because their snoring sounds like a chainsaw? Or maybe you lie awake next to someone doing the restless leg cha-cha while you desperately try to get some shut-eye. If so, you’re not alone. Sleep issues are incredibly common, and they can wreak havoc on your rest—and your relationship.
As a therapist who specializes in treating insomnia, I often hear couples worry that sleeping separately means there’s something wrong with their relationship. But prioritizing good sleep isn’t a sign of trouble; it’s a sign that you care about your health and your partnership. Let’s talk about why a “sleep divorce” (aka sleeping in separate rooms or beds) might be one of the best relationship decisions you’ll ever make.
Sleep Disorders Are More Common Than You Think
If you’re struggling with sleep issues, you’re far from alone. Sleep disorders are incredibly common, especially as we age. Here are some eye-opening stats:
- Insomnia: Up to 30% of adults experience insomnia symptoms, and rates climb as we get older.
- Sleep Apnea: About 4% of men and 2% of women have obstructive sleep apnea—and many go undiagnosed.
- Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS): Around 15% of people in North America and Europe have RLS, with women more frequently affected.
- Snoring: Nearly half of adults snore regularly. (That’s right—if you’re pointing fingers, there’s a decent chance you’re the culprit.)
So, if you’re lying awake wondering why you seem to be the only couple struggling with sleep issues, trust me—you’re not. Sleep struggles are normal, and they don’t have to destroy your relationship.
Why Sleep Matters (for You and Your Relationship)
Here’s the deal: Good sleep makes you a better human. And when you’re a better human, you’re a better partner. Lack of sleep leaves us cranky, irritable, and more likely to snap over minor annoyances. (Like the way your partner chews their cereal or breathes “too loudly.”)
Research shows that sleep deprivation affects mood regulation, empathy, and even how generous we feel toward others. So, prioritizing your sleep isn’t just self-care—it’s relationship care.
Debunking the Myths About Sleeping Separately
There are a few persistent myths that keep people from even considering separate sleeping arrangements. Let’s bust those wide open:
- Myth 1: Sleeping Separately Means We Have a Bad Relationship.
- Reality: Nope. Plenty of happy, connected couples sleep apart to protect their sleep and their sanity. Good sleep = better mood = happier relationship.
- Myth 2: We’ll Lose Our Intimacy.
- Reality: Physical and emotional intimacy doesn’t vanish just because you sleep separately. In fact, with better sleep, you’re more likely to want to connect.
- Myth 3: It’s Weird or Uncommon.
- Reality: Sleep divorces are more popular than you might think. In fact, about 1 in 4 couples already do it—and more are joining the movement every year.
Practical Tips for Staying Connected When You Sleep Apart
Sleeping separately doesn’t have to mean drifting apart. Here are a few ways to stay connected while prioritizing your sleep health:
- Create a Pre-Bedtime Routine Together: Spend 15-30 minutes together before bed—talk, cuddle, or read side-by-side.
- Start Your Day with Connection: Make it a habit to greet each other in the morning with a hug, coffee, or a quick check-in.
- Plan “Sleepovers”: Want a night of snuggling? Plan occasional sleepovers in one room—it’s like a fun date night with pajamas.
- Communicate Openly: Discuss your sleep decisions regularly to make sure you’re both on the same page.
How to Talk to Your Partner About a Sleep Divorce
Bringing up the idea of sleeping separately can feel tricky. Here are some tips to start the conversation:
- Lead with the Why: Explain that you’re prioritizing sleep to benefit both of you and your relationship.
- Share the Science: Mention how poor sleep affects mood, health, and connection.
- Emphasize the Together Time: Reassure your partner that you’ll still prioritize quality time together while optimizing your sleep.
- Suggest a Trial Run: Propose a temporary experiment to see how it feels
Prioritizing Sleep is Prioritizing Your Relationship
Here’s the bottom line: Good sleep helps you show up as your best self—for yourself and for your partner. Sleeping separately doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you’re wise enough to recognize that sometimes, love looks like saying, “Goodnight, honey—I’ll see you in the morning after we both get some decent sleep.”
And if you need help navigating sleep struggles—whether you’re together or apart—CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia) can be a game-changer. Reach out, and let’s help you get the sleep (and sanity) you deserve.
Kathryn Tipton, MA, LPC, PMH-C, is a licensed therapist and sleep specialist based in Houston, TX. She has extensive experience helping clients overcome insomnia and other sleep challenges using evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I). Kathryn is passionate about helping people reclaim their nights, improve their sleep, and wake up feeling energized and ready to engage fully in their lives.