As Valentine’s Day approaches and the world talks about love, I find myself thinking of British novelist Anthony Powell, who said, “Self-love seems so often unrequited.” In a culture that values grit and resilience, this idea of unrequited self-love resonates across all ages.
Self-love is a concept that often triggers discomfort or even aversion. Yet, it remains one of the most important relationships we can cultivate in our lifetime. The difficulty lies in the fact that self-love isn’t always intuitive—especially in an environment that glorifies self-criticism, perfectionism, and an unwavering “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality.
The Dilemma: How Do We Love Ourselves?
If we live in a world that rewards self-discipline and high standards, how do we learn to extend the same love and kindness to ourselves that we offer to others? One answer is self-compassion.
Much like self-love, self-compassion is often misunderstood. In therapy, we see clients struggle with it for various reasons—fearing it means weakness, laziness, or an excuse to avoid hard work. Ironically, research has found the opposite to be true: self-compassion actually fosters growth, resilience, and change.
Building Self-Compassion
Self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Neff provides a framework for developing a healthier, more accepting relationship with ourselves. In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, she outlines key areas to focus on:
- Recognizing self-judgment and how it shapes our inner dialogue.
- Understanding our own suffering without minimizing or dismissing it.
- Transforming self-criticism into acceptance, leading to a deeper sense of contentment.
As Dr. Neff writes:
“Self-compassion is a powerful way to achieve emotional well-being and contentment in our lives. By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation. At the same time, self-compassion fosters positive mind states such as happiness and optimism. The nurturing quality of self-compassion allows us to flourish, to appreciate the beauty and richness of life—even in hard times.”
A Challenge: How Do You Speak to Yourself?
As we celebrate love this season, I invite you to reflect on how you speak to yourself.
- Do you extend the same kindness to yourself that you would to a friend?
- Are you harsher or less forgiving with yourself than with others?
- What does your relationship with yourself look like right now?
Developing self-compassion starts with awareness. If you’re curious about where you stand, try taking Dr. Neff’s Self-Compassion Test to explore your current relationship with yourself.
Taking the First Step
Self-love is a journey, not a destination. Powell’s words remind us that “it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful.” This process takes time, patience, and care—but it’s worth it.
For additional resources and self-compassion exercises, visit:
- Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Website
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff
Sophie Tiller, LMSW, is a therapist at The Houston Center for Valued Living, where she helps clients navigate life’s challenges with self-compassion and authenticity. Passionate about supporting individuals through anxiety, depression, and life transitions, Sophie empowers clients to cultivate a kinder, more understanding relationship with themselves.