First of all HURRAY for creating another life and parenting while also being utterly exhausted and uncomfortable – Congratulations, you’re essentially a superhero! In some ways you’re more prepared for this go around. You already know what brand of diapers and wipes are your favorite, how to work the 5 point harness, what items are necessities, and which registry “must haves” were never touched (bottle sanitizer anyone?). You’re very familiar with mom guilt and hopefully have a great support system of other parents who know the struggle. And now you’re Expecting #2!
You might be wondering though, even stressing, about preparing your first born for the newest addition. Asking yourself questions like – How will he adjust to sharing the attention? How much will she understand? How can I prepare him? Of course, all kids handle life change differently, just like we adults do. Luckily, there are a few methods that may help ease the transition and bring you a little comfort as well.
Talk About It
Once the news is public knowledge, start talking to your oldest about the baby on the way. It’s helpful for them to have as much time to adjust to the idea as possible. Show them ultrasound pictures, call them the big sibling, get them excited about this in any way you can. As you get further along in your pregnancy let them feel kicks and help them understand when to expect the baby. Adults typically hate to be caught off guard with big changes, and kids are no different. This way they have time to understand what is happening.
Enlist Their Help
Make sure your oldest has a role as part of the team. Their identity in the family is shifting. Even if they can’t verbalize the confusion about where they fit in, they can feel it. It’s important to help them form their new role as the big sibling. One way to do this is to enlist their help, and give them some responsibility so they know they are an important part of your family team. Depending on your child’s age this can be as simple as handing you clean diapers during diaper changes, or making silly faces to entertain the new baby while you make a bottle or switch the laundry. Having a role can be empowering, even for toddlers.
Remember – Tantrums are Normal
Expect some acting out or regression. It won’t be enjoyable, and it won’t be preventable. If you prepare yourself to expect it, then it can be a little less stressful at least. Remind yourself that your child has never known what it’s like to share their parents. It’s natural that they will pull out some behaviors to gain attention. This isn’t a bad thing, nor is it intentional, they are just adjusting. Having your support and understanding will go a long way here.
Special Time
Carve out some one-on-one time with your oldest once the baby has arrived. By no means does this need to be an elaborate outing – or any outing. You just birthed a human for goodness sake! We are talking for 10 to 15 minutes while the new baby is napping, or someone else holds them, for you to just play with Hot Wheels, have a fashion show, color, etc. Children who get regular one-on-one time are actually more cooperative overall – so this benefits the whole family. Just a few minutes a day where your firstborn can see how they are still just as loved, valued, and cherished go a long way.
Show them they still get priority sometimes – the baby can wait
It can be easy when a baby starts crying to drop everything and move to assist them. However, older children can feel like the baby always comes first. When appropriate, make an effort to prioritize the needs and time of your toddler. For example, if you’re helping your toddler put together a toy and your baby starts crying, you might say something like “oh, I hear you needing some of mommy’s attention. I’ll be with you soon but first I need to finish helping your brother with his toy.” Sure, your newborn may fuss for a few moments while you continue to assist your toddler, and that’s okay.
This Too Will Pass
Lastly, remember this is a season of life. It will be difficult, and exhausting, and some days you will wonder why on Earth you did this to yourself. Then one day they will suddenly be more independent and you will get to sit back and just watch – maybe you’ll even think fondly of the days they slept on you and you hadn’t showered in days. Or maybe you won’t think of them very fondly, and you’ll be glad those days are behind you. Either way, you’ll have gained knowledge and strength and the ability to validate and support other mothers as they enter the 2+ kid parent club.
It will be hard, but you got this!
Nina Moak, LPC has a passion for helping children, adolescents, and parents with a variety of concerns including behavioral issues, school performance, anxieties, social issues, depression, and life transitions.
As a Houston based counseling clinic, our caring therapists also offer therapy for
- anxiety disorders and anxiety treatment
- depression treatment
- obsessive compulsive disorder
- maternal mental health
- counseling for children
- therapy for teens
- insomnia
We also offer tips for improving your overall mental health on our blog.
Send an email to: info@hcfvl.com or call 713-331-5538 to learn more about how Houston Center for Valued Living can help you take the next step toward creating your best life.