In my last post, I talked about the increased mental load on mothers during this pandemic. It’s not uncommon for many of my “mom” clients to complain about bearing the weight of the mental load, unsure of how to pass some of it on to her partner. Where do you begin when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? How do you get them to understand? How do you decide what weight to transfer?
Even if I ask him to help, I still have to ask, which means the weight is still on me.
Sometimes I ask him for help and he says he will, but he forgets. It’s even worse then. I can’t trust him.
Some of my “dad” clients also want to know how to help their partners, and are unintentionally unaware of the weight. I love this image of this sculpture of a mother and all she is carrying on her back while carrying the baby. If you don’t feel something when you look at this or you go “huh” then that might be a sign that you don’t bear this weight.
So if you’re a dad (or the “non load bearing partner”) reading this, continue on to see some steps you can take to start lightening the load. If you’re a mom reading this, see how this sits with you, then share it with your partner.
1. Acknowledge mental load exists and talk about where the discrepancy occurs
First, just the act of saying “wow, you really are handling so much of this” is validation. Sometimes, validation is a big chunk of what is needed. Because the mental load can so easily go unnoticed, you’ll find greater connection in your relationship if you can acknowledge all that your partner is truly doing.
Next, have an honest conversation with your partner about who takes on what tasks. In all fairness, you may not really even have a clue how much she’s actually doing/remembering. You can’t know what you don’t know, until you ask right? But how do you go about this? How do you start a conversation and figure out how to work through it all without it turning into one big fight?
I really love these equality scale worksheets from Equally Shared Parenting. They offer a breakdown of various tasks regarding: bread-winning, child-raising, housework, and self-time. The instructions are to go through the list with your partner and mark who primarily does each task. I believe it can be used as a tool to help get the conversation going. It may be eye opening, for both of you!
You can rate the item as a yes or a no, or you can rate it as “I change the diapers 70% of the time.” The one tweak that I would make to the sheets would be to include a column on who carries the mental load of the task. Who prompts/reminds? Does one person take charge on remembering to remind the other person of the task?
Please note, these worksheets are not meant to be used as ammunition against someone or to prove a point. The goal is to help develop awareness between the two of you. Many dads truly have no clue. This is, for the most part, a cultural issue. It’s a burden that has been (mostly) placed on the mother. I won’t speak in absolutes because I’m sure there are some amazing individuals out there sharing the load! High five to you all. Additionally, partnerships and parenting comes in many forms!
One awareness of the discrepancy has been made, now the true work begins. What’s next?
2. Take on an agreed piece of the load, and own up to it
If you and your partner agree that it would be helpful to share or displace some of the mental load, then it’s time to figure out which piece you’re going to take. It’s really easy to have big lofty goals about how helpful you’re going to be. However, we recommend setting a SMART goal (something specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound). Essentially, start taking on one piece that you are confident you can make work for your life.
So, that may mean remembering to empty out the kids lunch box containers when they get home from school each day. Is this something you are around/available to do and remember? Or, do you travel for work frequently and this would be hard to commit to on a regular basis? Choose a task to take on, and figure out how you can begin to incorporate this in your life. It’s easy to say “I’ll do that” or “I’ll just remember it.” However, it might take a lot more effort than you think. Set alarms and create reminders.
You might find that your partner (the mom) gets nervous, anxious, worried, upset, or otherwise uncomfortable when handing over a piece of the load. This is likely because she’s worried you won’t follow through and hold up with your commitment. She’s been managing all of this for some time, and giving it up doesn’t happen super easily, especially when she’s not sure you’re really going to “remember.”
3. Follow-through
If you agree to be the one who packs the kids lunches in the morning, then develop a system and a commitment to do so. It’s your job now, as much as your job for showing up to work each morning. If you choose to take on a task, you need to realize that if you forget to do what you said you were going to do, you’ve actually doubled the mental load on your partner. Not only does she know have to be the one to remember to do it (mental load), she now has to figure out what she’s going to do, as that task was forgotten/not done.
So if you leave in the morning without making the kids’ lunches, and then she is getting the kids out the door and suddenly sees that lunches are not made – she has to figure out what to do to manage this. Now maybe kids are late to school. Or she’s late to work. As someone agreeing to take on a part of the mental load, you’ve got to commit to it.
4. It’s not always about equality
Remember, it’s not always the “amount” of items on a person’s list. The goal isn’t necessarily to have each of you doing 10 tasks and splitting everything absolutely down the middle. Also, relationships are not equal. They rarely are. They should, however, teeter back and forth between one partner and the other over time. We all give of ourselves in different ways. What feels satisfying in your relationship, may not be satisfying to someone else. Your relationship does not have to look a certain way. What matters most is that both partners feel heard, understood, and have agreed on the expectations.
5. Give each other grace
Any shifting dynamics in a relationship, are hard on both people. No one is going to be perfect here. The idea is to see progress over time, not perfection in the beginning. Just as when you first brought baby home, you probably forgot things sometimes! Building a new habit and routine takes consistency. Forgiveness, compassion, understanding, and connection will be what keeps your relationship going long term.
Kathryn Tipton has passion for helping new and experienced moms break free from guilt, shame, and inner criticism. She fosters growth of self-love and compassion so that individuals can find greater joy and fulfillment in their every day lives. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. Her private practice is located in central Houston, in the Montrose district.
Distance is no barrier! Kathryn conducts telehealth (online/web video) sessions. Contact her today kathryn@hcfvl.com or by phone 713-331-5538.
As a Houston based counseling clinic, our caring therapists also offer therapy for
- anxiety disorders and anxiety treatment
- depression treatment
- obsessive compulsive disorder
- maternal mental health
- counseling for children
- therapy for teens
- insomnia
We also offer tips for improving your overall mental health on our blog.
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