I would like to start this blog post with one statement. However you are reacting to this recent tragedy, whatever you’re thinking or feeling, is completely normal. There is not a right way to feel or think.
It is with a heavy heart that I even have to write this post in light of the recent tragedy of the Las Vegas shooting. Every time I meet with someone who has been a witness to or survivor to trauma, we discuss the impact that the trauma has had on his/her life. And I’d like to discuss the impact that this recent trauma, or others you have recently experienced (i.e.: Hurricane Harvey), may be having on you.
The mind’s reaction
The human mind is an interesting contraption. It’s job is to keep our bodies alive and a large chunk of that involves making sense of our experiences. If we can understand then perhaps we can predict. If we can predict, then we can prevent. If we can prevent, then essentially we can do the one thing that we as humans crave to do so badly, control.
There is comfort in control (or the illusion of control). For many of us, we have gone about our lives with a plan and expectation about how our life is going to be. Just as I expect to leave the office today and drive home safely to my family. Our minds have created, through learning and experiences, an idea about how the world works. Many of us carry with us the Just World Belief, which is that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Cause and effect. I’ll do everything right and things will turn out okay.
Trauma is a complete disruption of that idea of control. Trauma is a disruption of what we expected for our lives.
Expectations like:
- I was going to watch my daughter graduate from high school.
- My dad was going to be there to meet his grandchildren.
- I was going to marry the love of my life.
- We were going to live in that house for the next 30 years.
Trauma happens. It alters the path of our lives. It obliterates our understanding and expectations of how our lives were going to be. Survivors of trauma are left to make sense of a senseless experience.
How do I deal with this?
Even though most of us were not directly affected by the recent shooting in Las Vegas, we are all privy to the information of this horrific and unimaginable crime. You might be sitting here, much as I am thinking, so now what? How did this happen? What does this mean? How do I deal with this?
Here goes our mind again. Working to make sense. Working to understand. Doing it’s “mind” thing. Working to control.
If good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people, and I know that I’m a good person and that the people this happened to were good people, what does that mean? The world is completely dangerous. No one can be trusted. Something awful can happen at any second. Violence is happening everywhere. I have no control. I must do everything I can to stay safe.
The mind picks a simple way to make sense of the senseless, and new information is filtered through this new perspective. For example, although there are vastly more people in this world acting benevolently toward one another, the instances in which the small percentage of people inflict violence and suffering on others are the incidents that we remember. They are more salient, more memorable. The hundreds of trips to the grocery store when nothing happened except an exchange of a warm smile with your cashier is up against the news of a robbery and exchange of gunfire at a nearby store. Everyday acts of kindness and humanity do not make the news. Imagine all of people in Las Vegas this past week who did not engage in any violent behavior.
That’s nice and all you say, I get that. Statistically, most of my life will be inconsequential, but something awful could happen at any second!! And when it does, it will change everything. Statistics didn’t matter for those who were just hurt. I’m freaking out!
Well of course you are, because even in the face of statistics and evidence, our mind is going to pull information from the salient emotional parts. How could it not? That’s it’s job. However your mind processes the events happening in the world, it’s okay. That’s what your (and my) mind do. The question is, how is what your mind is telling you helping you live your best life?
If it’s telling you to hide in a bunker, believe me, I get that. There is a part of my brain in this very second that wants to sell all my possessions, take my children, move out to the middle of nowhere and isolate them from the possibility of anything bad happening to them. But that’s not the life I want for my children, nor for myself. What kind of life do you want to live? What do you want your life to be about?
What we risk by caring
We must acknowledge that our decision to live in this world will always carry risk. When we care…. when we try…. when we hope…. we risk.
As an example, have you ever adopted a cat or a dog and then suddenly had the thought why did I get a pet? One day I’m going to have to put them down when they are old and sick and I can’t bare that! I wish I hadn’t even gotten an animal in the first place, losing them will be too painful.
In caring, in living, is always the flip side, pain and loss. It doesn’t hurt if it doesn’t matter. So it’s only natural after something so awful for our minds to work hard to protect us from the bad. When we work to keep out the bad though, we often end up keeping out the good as well.
So what can you do, right now, in this moment?
Slow down. Pause. Take some slow deep breaths. Notice how you are feeling. Notice what your mind is thinking. Give your attention to your experience right now. It’s normal to want to distract and check out from a painful experience. Slowing down and attending to your experience can open up a more flexible range of options for how you respond. Really allow yourself to sit, both experiencing and observing your emotion.
What does how you are feeling say about what matters to you?
Now, how would you like to respond? Will your actions in your life be based on an emotion (like fear) or could it be possible to carry this fear with you, and still engage in the world in a way that matters to you? What is most important to you, and what small thing could you do today or this week that could move you closer to what is important to you? What small thing could you do to create meaning in your life today?
How could you take care of yourself today? What is it that you need in this moment? Comfort? Connection? Solitude? Nature? Fun?
If you end up doing one small thing today that matters to you or one small thing today to care for yourself, that’s amazing. And even if you notice in this moment that that seems like too tall an order, that’s just as well too.
Much support and thoughts coming from the Houston Center for Valued Living to Las Vegas and all those affected.
For immediate crisis help: Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
To find help near you, http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/