It’s incredibly frustrating when you’ve tried everything, but your child continues acting out. Or maybe your newest strategy worked for a few minutes, a day, or a week, but then your child was right back to their old ways. It feels like you’ve tried everything and everyone has an opinion – take away screen time, be more stern, timeout, put them in a sport so they can get their energy out, keep taking away toys until they “act right,” show them who’s boss….and the list goes on. Then it’s a battle of the wills and it feels like everyone loses. But there is one parenting hack that makes a huge difference that no one talks about – praising your child as often as possible!
Negative attention is still attention
You might be thinking, “are you serious?” and rolling your eyes at me. I know, I know…it sounds crazy, but go with me. Take a minute and think of the amount of time you spend correcting your child in one form or another. Think of the amount of energy you put into: making sure rules are followed; implementing consequences for inappropriate behaviors; reacting quickly to an indiscretion (i.e. a toy just about to be launched at a sibling). Then, when your child is sitting quietly playing with a toy, not arguing, fighting, or throwing a tantrum- the natural instinct is to not say or do anything that might bring the calm, sweet moment to an end. So we often are as quiet and out of their way as possible, trying to hold on to this moment.
Overtime, your child, on a level they are unaware of, begins to associate acting out with getting your attention, and from a child’s perspective attention = love. Essentially, it’s “I know I am important because mom/dad is focusing on me. Even if they are yelling, and I’m crying, I have their attention because they love me.” Again, this is nothing your child is explicitly thinking, but this is the implicit learning that is occurring. On the other hand, when they are behaving and we try not to disturb them, they are unable to learn that THIS is what we want to see more of.
The Other Half of the Equation: Positive Attention
Effective punishments are highly important, but that is only half of the equation when combating problematic behaviors. The other half is positive attention for the behavior we want our kid to do (even behavior that is brief or seemingly insignificant). So try and catch them being good! This comes in so many forms like high fives, knuckles, winks, and hugs. Directly stating what they did that you liked is another option. Things like:
- “I love when you put your shoes on the first time I ask!”
- “I’m so proud of you for staying calm when you didn’t get your way.”
- “Thank you for holding on to the side of the cart while we were at the store.”
Just as fast as you react to the problem behavior, you want to act that quickly to the positives. Research shows that the closer in time the praise is to the desired behavior the more effective it is and allows new learning to take place.
The Importance of Consistency
Like any change, the results are not immediate so don’t let that discourage you. Stay consistent and aim for a 3:1 ratio (three positives or neutral statements to one correction). We know that anything less than a 3:1 ratio is unfortunately not the most effective, so aim high and call out anything that’s not “bad behavior.” Kids love hearing what they are doing well (adults do too), and it helps ease your frustrations by truly noticing all the wonderful other things your child does. Over time they will create a new association that by behaving well they get attention (and no one is yelling or crying this time!), and they will slowly increase those desired behaviors.
Christina Moak, LPC has a passion for helping children, adolescents, and parents with a variety of concerns including behavioral issues, school performance, anxieties, social issues, depression, and life transitions.
Other posts by Nina:
- Simple Strategies to Help Your Anxious Child
- The Benefits of Playing with Your Child
- How to Prepare your First Born for your Second Born
- 15 Minutes of Play Each Day Can Keep the Tantrums at Bay
- 5 Common Timeout and Ignoring Mistakes – and How to Correct Them
- 5 Ways to Make “Back-to-School” a Little Easier