Hi you. I want you to know that if these walls could talk, they’d echo the voices of so many of the mothers who have sat on my therapy couch.
“I just don’t understand why this feels so hard.”
“What’s wrong with me? I should be so happy.”
“Why do I feel so overwhelmed when all I have to do is sit here?”
“Not much has really changed THAT much since having a baby, so why do I feel this way?”
As a therapist who works with new mothers, I hear these kinds of statements all the time. They come up in my postpartum support group as well as in individual therapy sessions. The women I work with are intelligent, self-sufficient, often self-proclaimed “Type-A” (high need for control), and sometimes struggle with perfectionism and self-criticism. These mothers are often well prepared for birth and parenting. They’ve talked to friends about it, they’ve read books, taken classes, and often being a parent has been in their plan for some time. Many have struggled through infertility or pregnancy loss. So, when the time finally arrives and they have the baby they’ve always wanted, they are perplexed, frustrated, and often very self-critical of their less than “overwhelmingly positive” feelings.
Many women are surprised when I validate these feelings! I’m not here to say that you should hate motherhood. Absolutely not. Our goal in therapy is always to increase your wellness and help you find the joy in parenting that you deserve. I am here, though, to say that hating yourself for your less than positive feelings, only creates more suffering.
In some cases, these women will be diagnosed with postpartum depression. In other cases, it will present more as “adjustment disorder” (which means that you don’t meet the full diagnostic criteria, essentially enough symptoms, to actually have a diagnosis of depression, but you are experiencing some symptoms that are causing you distress).
Postpartum depression is a complex issue with many contributing factors including biological, psychological, and social. We have very little control over the biological facets, but we can influence the psychological and social contributors.
For example, recently in my postpartum support group, I posed the question: “Prior to having a baby, what kinds of activities and experiences did you regularly engage in that you believe contributed to your overall health and wellbeing?”
These are the kinds of responses I typically get:
- I slept 7-8 hours each night
- I exercised
- I was working a full time job and achieved goals
- I left the house to see friends whenever I wanted
- I had a hobby (gardening, crafting, sewing, board games, reading, hiking/outdoors, cooking)
- I had daily structure and routine
- Trying new restaurants / places
- I connected with my spouse/partner on dates or spent quality time at home
Then I pose the question, of all of those activities that contributed to your mental health and well-being, how many of them, at this time, are you currently doing?
Crickets, anyone?
The short answer is, most people answer “I don’t do any of those things” or, “I do some of those things, but it’s a lot less often, and I have to plan around my baby/breastfeeding/pumping/sleep so sometimes it just feels too overwhelming to do anything at all. It’s just easier to stay home.”
They are lonely. They are exhausted. They are “on the clock, all the time.” They don’t have plans except for pediatrician appointments. Some are bored. They are drowning in laundry, dishes, and incomplete tasks. They think: “How can it feel so hard when I have it so easy?” “How can it feel so hard when other people seem to be able to do it, but I can’t?” They feel guilty for not enjoying being at home with their newborn which “goes by so fast” while also wishing at times they could be somewhere else. They hate themselves for these feelings and thoughts.
Is this you?
I want you to think about your unique personality and interests. I want you to dig deep and understand yourself as an individual with needs and desires. These needs and desires don’t magically disappear because you give birth to a baby. In fact, I think it’s the opposite. Having a baby is stressful in a multitude of ways, and this is the time that women (and men) should be even more supported in getting their unique needs met. Unfortunately, they rarely are. Your feelings are not a result of weakness or being a “flawed” human.
So, where can you start?
Validate
When we can validate that our feelings make sense, we can stop judging ourselves so harshly for having them (which only adds shame, frustration, and guilt to the already difficult feelings!) When we can give ourselves permission to “not like every part of it” then we can make emotional space to actually find ways to work toward small increases in enjoyment.
Normalize
Remind yourself that this is a transition period. It’s normal to have adjustment challenges. After all, you’re having to incorporate the caretaking of a tiny helpless human into your life. This will not be without some hiccups.
Challenge all or nothing thinking
Lots of people get stuck in trying to make the perfect decision. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Most decisions are never permanent. If something isn’t working, you can change it. Try something!
Start Small
Even though we can’t go back to the pre-kid life, start small and problem solve with your partner or a family member, how you could start working toward getting some of your needs met. As I mentioned above, many of my moms were very goal oriented. Having a plan and seeing small changes can do wonders!
You’re not broken, just human.
When we can realize that we’re not broken but instead just humans not getting our unique needs met, we can give ourselves grace. I want you to give yourself grace. When you have the freedom to validate your feelings, it opens up space for figuring out what you can do to improve the moment, the day, or even the week. It can be challenging for some people to ask for support. In fact, asking for support is a skill that can be learned and practiced. With all skills, the more we use them, the better we get at them. I want you to know that you’re not alone.
If you or someone you love has been going through any of the feelings listed above or is struggling with worthlessness, sadness, guilt, anxiety, or fear, there is help available. For those of you in Texas, you are welcome to join my free Houston Postpartum Peer Support Group, a virtual support group that meets twice a month. You can also schedule an appointment with one of our therapists. Additionally, Postpartum Support International has a host of support groups for a variety of perinatal challenges. In addition, you can call Postpartum Support International and they will connect you with a care coordinator in your area who can send you resources to therapists who specialize in perinatal mental health.
Kathryn Tipton, LPC, PMH-C has passion for helping new and experienced moms break free from guilt, shame, and inner criticism. She fosters growth of self-love and compassion so that individuals can find greater joy and fulfillment in their every day lives. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology and is Perinatal Mental Health Certified.
At the Houston Center for Valued Living, we offer therapy in Houston for a variety of life’s challenges. Our team of compassionate therapists offer a variety of therapeutic specialties including: