If you’ve ever tried “timeout” or “ignoring” as strategies for managing your child’s behavior, then at one time or another you’ve probably given up and said “this isn’t working!” If you feel as though your attempts are not successful, read our list of 5 common timeout and ignoring mistakes that many parents make.
Mistake #1: Tackling too much at once
Look, like most parents, you probably have a running list of goals for your child’s/children’s behavior. For example, it might include the big concerns like no hitting/kicking/biting, not yelling at adults, or doing what is asked (the first time). Additionally, you probably have on your list the smaller things like using manners, talking with an inside voice, and not interrupting, etc.
It’s not uncommon for parents to want to work on all of their child’s problem behaviors at once. However, this approach is often overwhelming, no to mention nearly impossible to keep up with! Plunging in to fix everything can lead to inconsistency and burnout with discipline. And worse yet, it can also leave you with a child who feels that they can do nothing correct.
Solution:
To start, choose *no more than three* behaviors you want to focus on. This means that you might just focus on using timeouts and ignoring for two or three specific behaviors like kicking and yelling inside the house. With a specific focus, you can target your efforts and see faster improvement in these areas. As those particular problematic behaviors begin to reduce, then you can start to target an additional new behavior.
Mistake #2: Too Many Warnings
Parents want to give their children the opportunity to succeed and providing multiple warnings might seem like the way to allow that to happen. Unfortunately, the unintended consequence of giving multiple warnings is that children learn that the warnings aren’t serious because a consequence doesn’t always follow. Why stop what they are doing if their consequence is likely another warning?
Solution:
Instead, provide one warning, count to 5 in your head, and if the behavior still continues follow immediately with the consequence. This also means, don’t provide the warning if you can’t deliver the consequence immediately. This helps your child understand that you mean business, and provides structure in a way they can understand. For example, “please put your toy back in the basket or it’s mine for the rest of the day.” This provides an immediate consequence (losing the toy for the day) that is easy to follow through.
Mistake #3: Saying “I’m ignoring you”
Ignoring is one of the most powerful disciplinary tools. Children crave attention! Therefore, withdrawing attention is a simple way to correct problem behavior. Ignoring seems simple, however, it is fraught with pitfalls that even the most savvy parents can get stuck in. Let’s talk about what ignoring is and what ignoring isn’t. Ignoring means: removing all attention as long as your child is safe. What does all attention mean? It means all attention.
Examples of attention include: reminding your child you are ignoring them, shaking your head disapprovingly, giving them the “evil eye,” or being visibly annoyed or stressed. These might be accidental attention, however they are still attention and decrease the effectiveness of the tactic.
Solution:
Remove all attention, as if you cannot see or hear your child – as if they were no longer there. You might read a magazine, continue to cook dinner, put headphones in and listen to music, have a conversation with another person at a normal tone, or, if the child old enough, leave the room to complete another task. For example, if your child is having a tantrum because they couldn’t have a cupcake allow them to have their meltdown while you continue to do what you were doing. You are not saying “I’m ignoring you” or “I’ll talk to you when you calm down” or “quit fussing about this.” Remove all attention. As soon as the tantrum ends, praise them for self calming and give lots of positive attention. You want your child to associate appropriate behavior with your attention.
Mistake #4: “Fun” timeout spot
Timeout should be a place your child does not want to go, void of anything they like! Sounds terrible right? Well, basically timeout should be boring for the child. Of note, it should be the child’s version of boring, not your version of boring. Many parents make the mistake of putting their child in a timeout spot that provides entertainment or attention.
Solution:
We know children are incredibly creative and imaginative, so what might qualify as fun for your child if often not what we think of. Picture your timeout spot and what your child a) has access to and b) can see. Does your dog walk by there? Can they see the TV? Will a younger sibling wander over? Is there a window they can look out off? All of these and more reduce the effectiveness of timeout by providing entertainment/attention. When picking a spot make sure that spot is a neutral location like the laundry room, or a hallway wall, void of anything they can use their magical minds for. Make sure to avoid their bedroom as we don’t want them to have access to their toys, bed, etc., nor do we want them to associate their room as a place of punishment.
Mistake #5: Dragging the punishment out
As a parent, you can easily become worn out, burned out, overwhelmed, and done. So, it makes sense that even though your child’s timeout has ended, you aren’t refreshed and completely over the smack in the face you took that landed your child in timeout. However, all punishments work best if there is a clear and stark difference between punishment and all other times of the day. Your kid shouldn’t feel like their punishment carries on forever. An example of this would be: Your child just completed 5 minutes of timeout. You are still irritated with your child. At the completion, your child asks kindly for a hug, to play with you, or some form of your attention. You, being still irritated with your kid, tells them “mommy still needs a few minutes because I’m still upset that you hit me earlier.” The withdrawing of the positive attention is a form of continued punishment, even though your child is now acting in a manner that we want to see more of (asking for hugs, acting kindly, etc). This only teaches the child that good behavior is ignored, and bad behavior is given attention. Your child loses motivation to maintain appropriate behavior.
Solution:
We want to send the message that as long as you are behaving appropriately in the moment that there are rewards. The biggest reward of all – is your attention. Sometimes it helps to think of timeout or ignoring as “time served.” They did their time for the “crime” and now they have another chance to make the desired choice, or suffer the consequence again. Even if internally you are still irritated, or counting the minutes until bedtime, on the outside you can be the fun parent who sings along and plays Candyland for the umpteenth time.
While it takes a lot of energy and can be difficult, these skills serve to increase the effectiveness of the punishments, and overtime lead to a reduction of behaviors such as aggression, tantrums, and ignoring directions. Remind yourself that your effort to engage positively with your child will only pay off in the long run. So take a deep breath, assure yourself you can do this, and put on your game face.
If you’re struggling with your child’s behavior and would like more support, please reach out to Houston Center for Valued Living to set up your parent consultation today.
Nina Moak, LPC-Intern has a passion for helping children and adolescents with a variety of concerns including behavioral issues, school performance, anxieties, social issues, depression, and common issues that accompany adolescence. Nina is a licensed professional counselor intern under the supervision of Carly Malcolm-Hoang LPC-S.
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