In a recent post, we discussed the benefits of playing with your child(ren). In this post we take a look at how to maximize the benefits of that time. We refer to specific type of play as Child Directed Play, which is kind of a boring name, so we also call it special time as kids like that much more. The suggestions listed below are ideal for children ages 2-8, but can be adapted for children of all ages. The most important take away is that your child takes the lead and you are fully present for them during this time. So whether your child is 6 months or 18 years old, you can reap the benefits of special time.
Set Aside 15 Minutes of Uninterrupted Time
When thinking of an ideal time consider times where 1) you child is typically in a good mood and 2) when you can devote 15 minutes only to them. This is important because your full attention shows your child how much you care about them and how important they are to you. It will also make the time more pleasant for you if you aren’t having to jump in and out of play time. If you have 2 or more young children this usually takes a little more planning, as you want each child to have one on one time. Some parents choose to have special time while another child is napping for example. If both parents and/or a grandparent are around you can split the children up – think man to man coverage instead of zone coverage.
Your level of participation is directly correlated with the benefits. Make sure special time is not when you are expecting an important call, when the oven timer is about to go off, or when you are simply too distracted or exhausted to really stay engaged. If you have to move the time you initially selected around from day to day, that’s ok!
Toy/Game Selection
For younger children (think 8 and under), activities that innately don’t require many rules, nor much guidance (i.e. this is probably not the time for an intricate crafting project). We want your child to be able to take the lead in special time so toys like building blocks, train-sets, dolls, and hot wheels are ideal! There is very little your child could do “wrong” with these types of toys which is what makes them perfect for special time. As children get older, games with rules they understand and regularly follow can be great. Things like board games, a simple craft idea they found online, and Mad Libs can all be a good use of special time. The important thing is that your child chooses the activity. You can pre-select a few options for them to pick from, but the idea is they get a choice in the activity so that they will be more excited and engaged throughout.
We also want to avoid technology such as movies, video games, playing on the phone, etc. These are often more passive activities that make it harder for you to engage with your child, and decrease the benefits the two of you will get out of this activity.*Exception* If your children are older, having a video game you play together or a show you watch together can be a great activity. Because your children are older, they can engage you in a conversation about the show/game that can be insightful and meaningful; thus, providing a bonding experience. Younger children aren’t quite at this level and need something a little more active and hands on.
What is Your Role?
This is usually the hardest part for parents because during special time you essentially don’t do the majority of things fit our idea what being a parent means. Special time is not time for explicit teaching (though your child will learn), it is not a time for asking questions, and not a time for guiding or leading your child. You might be thinking “Well then what the heck DO I do?”
You follow and allow your child to take the lead. Watch them for a minute and then start to imitate them. Are they building a tower with blocks? Then you build a tower. The other thing you do is narrate. Honestly, this feels weird at first, like really weird, and silly, but don’t let that stop you. By narrating what they are doing you are showing them in a way they understand that you are really paying attention to them, that they matter, they are important. This is the bread and butter of special time.
Think of yourself like a sports commentator. Sports commentators describe the plays, the outcome of the plays, etc. and paint a visual picture for the listener – the more detail the better. When a player does something exciting, they get excited! For example, if your child gets frustrated easily and they tower they build just collapsed, but you notice they kept calm and starting building again then you can say something like “WOW! You stayed so calm when that tower fell. The new tower your building looks fun, colorful, huge, etc.” Remember, a commentator has no influence on the game. They cannot coach, or ask the players questions during game time. So when in doubt, just as yourself what would a commentator do?
“But What if They STILL Act Up During Special Time?”
This is one of the most frequently asked questions. The general rule is that special time continues unless your child is doing something that could cause physical harm. Examples include throwing or breaking toys, or hitting you. If this occurs, provide one warning (yes only one) and making it brief and to the point. “Keep the toys in your hand or on the floor, or special time is over for today.” If that corrects the behavior than great! Praise them with something like “Great job following directions,” or “I could see you wanted to throw the toy, but decided to put it down so we could keep playing. What a great choice!” If however, they continue with the potentially harmful behaviors then special time ends, while also reminding your child they will have another chance tomorrow. “Ok, special time is over since we continue to hit mommy. We will still have special time tomorrow though.” Then precede to start cleaning up, even if a tantrum ensues.
For almost all other unwanted behaviors we want to ignore them, and continue with special time. Ignoring is an incredibly powerful tool, and using it during special time is still a learning moment for your child. It models that this type of behavior does NOT attain our attention. Examples of behaviors to ignore during special time include screaming/yelling, stepping on toys if it is unlikely to cause damage, or saying things like “You gave [insert siblings name] more time then me! You love them more.” Don’t engage these behaviors and instead wait until they do even the littlest thing you want to see more of and call attention to that. “That was a big emotion you had, and look you are still able to build your track. How impressive!” Praise the heck out of self-calming!
How to End Special Time
Children often have a hard time with fun tasks ending. Unlike us, children don’t have a concept of time or know what 15 minutes really feels like. So when something fun, like playing with a parent, ends abruptly that is understandably hard for them. Setting timers can be helpful (allowing them to help set the timer is even better), as well as giving them warnings that the time is almost over (i.e. “5 minutes until we have to clean up” “Ok, now 1 minutes left”). When time is up let them know and instruct them to start cleaning with you. It’s also important to remind them that they will get special time again tomorrow and tell them something specific you loved about special time like seeing them be creative, or focused, or being kind and sharing with you.
When you first add special time to your routine, it’s very common for your child to have a tantrum when special time ends, or beg and plead for more time. Be sure not to give in as this sets the stage for that behavior continuing. Instead, stay consistent – end special time when you say it’s time to end, AND follow through with having special time regularly. Both will make the transition of ending special time go smoother over time because 1) your child will learn that having a fit doesn’t meet their end goal (extra time) and 2) they can count on more time soon as this special time wasn’t a one off event.
Special time is one of the core skills in behavioral parent training (BPT) for children with behavioral concerns. It is used in conjunction with disciplinary techniques to help reduce problematic behaviors and increase cooperation and adherence, and strengthen the parent/child relationship. For more information on special time, BPT, or other behavioral concerns, please contact Nina Moak, LPC-I.
Nina Moak, LPC-Intern has a passion for helping children and adolescents with a variety of concerns including behavioral issues, school performance, anxieties, social issues, depression, and common issues that accompany adolescence. Nina is a licensed professional counselor intern under the supervision of Carly Malcolm-Hoang LPC-S.
As a Houston based counseling clinic, our caring therapists also offer therapy for
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We also offer tips for improving your overall mental health on our blog.
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